Either her or me: avoid canceling yourself in your relationship

When I read the title of this post to Made before I started writing it, the first thing she said to me was: Oh! You're going to talk about infidelity! I love it! And yes, it seems to me that I am going to talk about a very specific type of infidelity... A model of infidelity that we never consider, that we always overlook... That we don't even know exists! I'm talking about infidelity to ourselves .

This, in my opinion, is the worst kind of infidelity. Because? Well, very simple: because part of the conflicts within a relationship arise not only from expectations; also in the way in which we move aside, we ignore our own needs, interests, what makes us happy, all in favor of giving 100 percent in the relationship, underestimating the time we dedicate to ourselves.

I'm not talking about things like taking care of ourselves, making ourselves pretty, trying to look good and feeling satisfied with our image and the way the person we love sees us.

No. I'm talking about that music that you used to listen to and that you now avoid, because she can't stand ballads or doesn't understand Kpop. I'm talking about those Sunday mornings that you spent in bed reading a good book or sleeping a little more, and that are now gone because since you've been with her you always have to get up early.

I'm talking about those movies that you watched on a Friday night lying on the couch, crying your eyes out at any melodrama or screaming like crazy at a zombie apocalypse and that now you have to share with her, while they watch a Salzburg Philharmonic concert. I think you know where I'm going with all this, right?

Attention: quality time is not just for her

Maintaining a healthy balance between quality time as a couple and time for yourself can be a challenge for any romantic relationship, especially in the case of female couples, since on certain occasions we tend to do more related activities.

Sometimes couples can find themselves caught up in the dynamic of spending all their time together, which can be emotionally draining and burdensome for each individual. Do you remember that time of the pandemic where many of us almost went crazy as a result of the quarantine? Well, you will also remember that at that time some relationships foundered, precisely due to the stress and friction of coexistence.

Fortunately, that stage seems to have already been overcome, but with or without a pandemic, with or without a mask, many of us continue to give ourselves over to that disproportionate dynamic of giving ourselves body and soul in the relationship. But why? Why do we have the urgent need to act that way if in the end it ends up causing us harm?

The options are multiple and individual, because they will depend on the needs and unhealed issues of each of us. Childhood wounds, beliefs, caregiver syndrome... Anyway, the list is long.

The truth is that no. Quality time is not just for her or both of them. Beyond the wonderful moments that you can build together, it is healthy for you to understand, that the time that each of you dedicates to yourself is as valid and valuable as the time you spend in your love.

Finally, a relationship is a two-sided coin and it is beautiful, edifying and very healthy, that each face of that coin has autonomy, personality, its own criteria and interests and that from decisions and personal love, the objectives coincide to build something elderly.

Ana and Sofía a love story in the times of the Home Office

No, it is not the title of my next novel by any means. It is just a practical example that I want to bring up and in which some could be reflected.

Let's imagine that Sofía and Ana are a couple that has been around for several years. Ana works from home and Sofía works in an office surrounded by other people, so Ana has more free time during the day... No, Ana is not in the process of looking for a lover by any means...

What's happening to her is much simpler: she's been feeling lonely and bored lately while Sofia is at work. Given the circumstances, this pair of girls decides to do what any reasonable couple would do: talk about what is happening to them and how they feel.

After talking about it, they decide to schedule time to do activities together in the afternoon, but they also establish a specific time for Ana to have a space for herself (she remembers that being alone at home she had freedoms that allowed her to dedicate herself to other things).

Ana decides to use that time to read, do yoga, or work on a personal project. By doing this, she feels more balanced and satisfied in her relationship and also feels more connected to herself, while Sofía, for her part, continues to attend to her commitments from the office, while also doing some things on her own accompanied by family or friends. .

This sounds like a happy ending wherever you look and believe it or not, I am not exaggerating when I tell you that it is what any couple who loves each other and understands not only the importance of time shared, but also of individual needs, would do.

Having said what has been said and having seen what has been seen, here I leave you some humble advice to work towards your interests, your needs and how they can fit quite well with your relationship, without neglecting it at all.

Follow the example of Ana and Sofía: talk about your feelings without fear and from love

You already know that in my case all roads lead to Rome, or in other words: all roads lead to an honest conversation . And it's not just me saying it, science says it: the most important thing to maintain a healthy balance is clear and open communication.

Talk to your partner about your needs and expectations and make sure you listen to theirs. Discuss and decide together how much time you want to spend together and how much time you need for yourself. And before you get me wrong, it's not as rigid as taping a week-by-week schedule on the refrigerator door! No. It's more flexible than that. Make sure you have effective communication and that understanding is mutual.

Scheduling individual time is an option, leaving room for nice surprises and spontaneity.

When you are in a romantic relationship, it is easy to lose sight of your own needs and always want to be with your partner, especially in the heated phase of romance, where sexual tension and the desire to explore each other in intimacy consumes us.

It's important to schedule time for yourself in your calendar to do activities that you enjoy and that make you feel happy and fulfilled, whether that's reading a book, exercising, hanging out with friends, or just relaxing.

Let's say you want to take yoga classes or do it at home, with a good instructor you recently discovered on YouTube. Meanwhile, your girlfriend wants to invest that time in learning another language, reading a good book or working on a personal project... Do you see it?

She doesn't have to do the Complete Cobra next to you and you don't have to conjugate Italian verbs next to her.

Each one could dedicate these spaces to activities that make them happy, excite them and point to their self-realization. Make sure you clearly communicate to your partner when and for how long you want to have time for yourself and negotiate these spaces without it becoming a straitjacket. Flexibility is important, girls!

Joint activities cannot be missing from the "agenda"

Although it is important to have time for yourself, it is also important to share quality time together. Do activities that make you feel connected and happy, such as cooking, watching movies, walking in the park, or playing sports, which can also motivate each other.

Yes, of course, sex is also an exciting way to spend time alone, love, understand, please and get to know each other much better. Also take into account those beautiful affinities that brought you together and identify things in it that make you feel fulfilled: traveling, attending certain activities or events, having a common project... The list is long, girls!

By doing activities together that make you feel connected, your relationship will be strengthened and you can maintain a healthy balance between quality time as a couple and time for yourself.

Important: learn to be alone

Learning to be alone is an important skill for maintaining a healthy balance between quality time as a couple and time for yourself. Sometimes, you may feel uncomfortable being alone because you are used to always being with your partner or surrounded by other people.

Spend some time alone. Many people hate the idea of being surrounded by silence and the echo of their thoughts or worries. I will tell you something in all honesty: these spaces of intimacy and reflection are extremely important not only for your emotional balance, but also for your mental peace.

I know that not all of us are good at meditation, but... who said that meditating is just listening to the echo of Tibetan bowls and trying to clear your mind? You can achieve a very similar mental balance by coloring, knitting, dancing, molding pottery, walking through the park and paying attention to all the details (it's called conscious walking, by the way) or tending to the little plants you have on the balcony or in the garden. ...Do you see that it is not so bad to have time only for yourself?

By learning to be alone and enjoy your own company, you will not depend as much on your partner to feel happy and satisfied.

Don't forget to be flexible and keep your commitment

Maintaining a healthy balance between quality time as a couple and time for yourself isn't always easy, and there may be times when one partner needs more attention than the other.

In these cases, it is important to be flexible and compromise. If your partner needs more attention, try to be understanding and give them the space they need. If you need more time for yourself, talk to your partner and find a solution together that works for both of you.

As in all cases, it is about communicating openly and honestly, learning to be empathetic and flexible, but especially it is about understanding that through personal growth and self-realization, you will not only feel more comfortable within your relationship. You will have more to contribute to your story together and to your beloved companion!

Best of luck, girls... especially with meditation!

Angela.