Tragedy: He doesn't want me anymore, therefore... he doesn't want me!

He who is free of doubts, let him cast the first stone...

First of all, let's talk "out of the box" (literally and figuratively, when it comes to this topic). Let's be honest, first with ourselves, then with our partner and if you wish, with others. It will be OK. Nobody is going to judge you for that.

I start: no. It is not worth saying that sex is overrated, that emotional connection is the most important thing in a relationship (even if it is a truth bigger than a temple) or that at the end of the day what matters in a relationship is a good topic of conversation.

Maybe at the end of the day the answer is yes, yes and yes. That is to say: yes, sex is overrated; Yes, emotional connection is extremely important and valuable; and yes, being able to talk to your partner about practically any topic makes you feel understood, complemented and accompanied... but... Why the hell if I know all this, it bothers me so much that he no longer looks for me like before or that he doesn't Let's even do it on the terrace like in the first months?

Yes. When it comes to sex, we often trip over that little stone, it twists our ankle and makes us fall flat on our faces, hitting the edge of the sidewalk of our insecurities. No matter how much water has flowed under the bridge or how far you have come in your evolution and emotional maturity, that thorn is always there, more than sharp and ready, to prick your fingertips.

Talking about sex is important, it doesn't matter if the color rises to your face or not.

Sexuality is a fundamental part of any love relationship and this is no different for female couples.

Although each couple is unique and experiences sexuality differently, addressing the issue of sexual frequency and satisfaction can often be a challenge. Yes. If you want to see it as a huge elephant that walks freely through the narrow corridors of a very fine glassware, you will undoubtedly be right.

Of all the uncomfortable conversations we can have within a relationship (which are worth noting: there are not a few), talking about the frequency with which we make love or the degree of satisfaction we experience after each encounter can be like throwing a grenade. in the middle of the dining room table, without warning.

Why is so complicated? Oh, little girls... There are so many things at stake. Your insecurities; hers. Your complexes; theirs. Your past experiences, hers (good or bad, when it comes to this topic I would dare say it doesn't matter)... And most especially, what society, the entertainment industry and the media make us believe about sex as that delicious panacea of joy and exciting emotions.

If we remove all these layers from the onion, we will be left at the end of the day with this conclusion: talking to her about her affinity, expectations and desires when it comes to sex IS IMPORTANT, especially if it is one of those aspects of the relationship that They are starting to make you uncomfortable.

At the beginning of time, everything was perfect...

Ok, I think that in the exercise of being honest we must be consistent with being sincere. At the beginning, everything may not be as perfect as they want us to believe (yes, sometimes we deny ourselves little things for fear of assuming something that may conflict us a little more or even hurt us).

That is wrong? No not at all.

First of all, no one is born learned. Second, it's perfectly normal if you and your partner had a harder time warming up to each other during those first encounters. There are so many factors that intervene in the search for that language that makes both of them feel comfortable... Method fixations, unhealed issues, bodily insecurities, excess tenderness or excess passion, conformity or total dedication...

Anyway. The first thing is to understand that the first times with the person with whom you decided to take the step do not have to be as they tell it in novels, much less as they show it on TV and let's not even talk about porn.

Each couple is unique in the way they build their sexual codes or their language in intimacy. Some are great at it and that surprising chemistry that emerges from the first moment makes them feel lucky and tied in a more than shared desire that is ardently explored.

For others, it is a little more difficult to get started, but with verbal or physical communication, maturity and the desire to try, things take them towards the desired synchronicity, until they reach a full and exciting sexual balance.

And then there are those who NEVER MAKE IT. Either because there is no pleasure, because it is unequal, because you are always accompanied by the feeling that it is wrong, that it is not there, that it is not like that... They don't make it...

Should I throw myself into the dungeon of perdition for that? No, of course not.

If there is no chemistry, less willingness to talk about it, and the lack of collaboration on one or both sides overwhelms them... what do you have to look for there? Always, at the end of each meeting, immersed in your personal little bit of dissatisfaction, a voice in the back of your head will answer this question, whispering to you: NOTHING. WE HAVE NOTHING TO LOOK FOR HERE and you will know when to take the step to close the matter and move on with your life, in search of other possibilities.

"It is not the same, it is not the same, an abyss separates us"

Before launching into the pitiful desert in the good style of a 90s spite song, I invite you to reflect. You must be objective, responsible and fair when dealing with this issue.

First, let me open my arms to you and surround you with them while I tell you with full responsibility: it is perfectly normal for the rhythm to slow down as the months or years go by, little girl. You're talking to someone who has gone from 100 to 0 not once, not twice, but several times.

Yes, this is how you read it. From 100 to 0. With a 0 also repeating for months and months. I imagine now you want to know how you handle a situation like that. Well, I have to tell you, it's not exactly easy.

The first thing that goes through your mind when your partner's apathy is colossal is: he doesn't want me, ergo, he doesn't love me .

To that we can add hundreds and hundreds of additional ingredients: that she is interested in another (or others, it is valid in some cases); He stopped seeing me as a woman and now I am like a kind of very beloved cousin or sister; feels disgusted with me; I shouldn't have eaten that last chocolate cake that made me gain five kilos, because thanks to that I stopped looking attractive... Everything, everything your little head wants to think about to aggravate the situation!

We do not choose thoughts that are a little more pragmatic, supportive or reasonable, such as: she must be stressed or emotionally overwhelmed by a situation that has decreased her libido; perhaps you are going through a hormonal change that we should consult with a specialist; Maybe she feels insecure about me and my feelings towards her, I should confirm that I love her and how much I like her; Probably that treatment you have been taking for months is having an impact on your sexual appetite...

No. When it comes to sex, many times we allow ourselves to be dominated by the Ego. We only think about our desire, how terribly neglected we feel on our personal island devoid of orgasms and delicious kisses and how that affects our self-esteem.

I am not denying possibilities such as that magic has died out, love has mutated, or your romantic interests are now pointing in another direction! Not at all, I'm just trying to make you see all the possible scenarios. I'm especially trying to get you out of the commiseration speech, because... In the midst of your personal drama, have you considered the possibility that he still loves you and has decided to show it to you in another way?

If he still loves me... why isn't he like before and how can I fix it?

Relationships change. They evolve, in short. It is not a lie, much less a myth, that relationships have stages. At first the romantic ardor can be scorching and yes, those of us who have been there know very well that that suffocating desire is DELICIOUS.

Gradually, commitment, the desire to share life, have common goals and everyday life that take away the shine of the magic, makes the desire to constantly corner yourself diminish. I do not deny that there are couples who know how to postpone this stage of passionate and exquisite assault for much longer. There are, there are, but you must be careful with IDEALIZATION.

In the media, along with Cinderella putting on the glass slipper and immediately accessing the title of princess, what comes next with happily ever after is an unbridled life of creative and suffocating sex day after day, in a palace that becomes perfect setting for a carnal idyll like few others. Spoiler: FALSE. Not even the Marquis de Sade dared to do so.

Each couple is unique and different. Each couple finds the best way to build their story and if they also do it from honesty, loyalty, responsibility and commitment, you will know that even in the moments when the libido is low, there will be a beautiful and sincere way to tell them. to the other: "Hey, baby, I love you and I like you as much as the first day, but I don't know what's happening to me with this or how I can fix it to be what we once were."

When we get to this point, along with the tears of gratitude and the standing ovation for being so honest and brave, we put aside things like: commiseration or blaming. Believe me: feeling like shit because she's no longer looking for you and echoing this, or making her feel like trash for not having initiatives or not playing along, IS NOT A WAY TO REMEDY IT, BUT A WAY TO MAKE IT WORSE.

Be empathetic, honest, loving, understanding and using that unparalleled feeling that unites you, speak with total frankness about your expectations, how you feel in private, how much the indifference of one or both of you affects you, but very especially , after the tears and tense confessions, design a nice plan to remedy it.

Change the environment. Use methods that once worked for you. Try new alternatives without fear... Laughing is also exciting and pleasant! How fantastic it is to explore sexuality in the arms of someone who loves you more than anything, who accepts you as you are and would do nothing to harm you! This, in itself, is a testimony of love and sex its complement.

Lastly, and in the event that they do not feel ready for that conversation; In the event that they don't even know how to do it: it's not a bad idea to seek the help of a professional!

You can be sure of one thing: a person committed to you and their relationship will always find a way to do everything necessary to make things work, no matter how many obstacles there are in the way... And this is not fiction!

This is... life itself and it is called good love! I'll leave them there.

Angela.